How to Win Friends and Influence Cats

There are two kinds of extroverts. There are the ones who are social butterflies, who are always the center of attention, speaking over others, and talking the loudest. Then there are the extroverts who gain energy from being around others, yet they might not even be noticed in the room. They are there to be supportive and to lend a hand. They are part of the fabric of a group without making themselves the center of attention. I tend to fall into the first category and I can't help myself. I am loud and gregarious, sometimes sensationalist, often inappropriate, and I feed off of being in the limelight. I grow through connection with others and I need to get to know people and to take part in sharing our collective stories. I also want to befriend as many people as possible. I cast my net and collect friends as I go about my days and, if they decide that friendship is a little extreme for them, at least I've increased my network. Andy, on the other hand, is part of the second group of extroverts. Between his four jobs, community service,and committee work, he seems to have met everyone in the county. Not a week goes by that, when telling someone my name, they ask me, "Are you related to Andrew?"From introducing myself to the person sitting next to me while taxiing on a runway in California, to extending introductions at my own place of employment, Andy comes up in conversation.

Since it is my desire to be the center of attention, I usually end up feeling like the beloved TV show character Robert Barone, with my sad, melancholic exasperation for always being in the shadow of a family member. After an evening out at a business/social function, where I've stood uncomfortably next to Andy, fumbling with my purse, while one person after another approaches him for a catch up on local politics or to inquire about his latest building project, I can't help but sigh and think to myself as we return home, "Everybody loves Andy." His voicemail is always full, and his inbox is perpetually clogged, as others seek his guidance and assistance. Our weekends and vacations are peppered with interruptions from others who need to talk to him and, rather than set a boundary that disappoints, he makes himself available to all, all of the time.

Here's the irony: Andy has confessed to me (and now you) that he has some social anxiety, and his love of helping others forces him into extroversion. At heart, he is an introvert who would gladly prefer a night at home alone to spending an evening in conversation with a group of friends. He is much more reserved than me and spends a great deal of time in his head. He is happiest when he is mowing the lawn because no one can talk to him or even get near him. He'd take an evening with CNN and SYFY over an evening with you. Or me.

It is his genuine desire to help others, combined with his genuine desire to never be around others, that makes Andy so endearing. Andy has no net to cast but he collects friends and admirers whether or not he likes it. I've seen other people's children sidle up to Andy and place their hand in his, comforted to walk with him over any other adult around. In a a room full of toys, groups of kids have preferred Andy, turning him into a jungle gym and taking turns using his long legs as a slide. Andy's soul strives for solitude but he rarely finds it. Even at home, our pets are wholeheartedly devoted to him. I can be home for hours and I wouldn't even know that we had cats and a dog, while Andy can't go to the bathroom without them standing patiently at the door, waiting for him to come out. They follow him wherever he goes, in a big animal train and, when he sits on the couch, the cats vie for the coveted spot on his chest while Otis rests at his feet.

You may be wondering, how does he do it? How does Andy make friends and influence cats?

With his permission, here are some of Andy's top secret steps to success. If you take these actions, perhaps, you, too can be the most (awkwardly) popular person at home and work.

1) Always be late. Apparently, being disrespectful of others' time garners their general respect.

2) Act aloof and sigh a lot.

3) Tell children you will take their doll and bury it in the yard if they don't clean their rooms.

4) Put your phone directly in front of your face when someone is talking to you.

5) Bring your laptop on vacation and hammer out emails during happy hour.

6) Take conference calls in the car and ask everyone not to talk for 2 hours while you participate in the call.

7) Invite friends over for a game night and then, when it's not your turn, disappear to clean your gun in the next room.

8) Respond with, "Who cares?" when someone shares their feelings with you.

9) Sit in a corner, open mail and pay bills while your family opens their gifts on Christmas morning.

10) Run away when someone comes in for a hug.

...and one more, which is the most important of all:

11) Embrace your awkwardness. Own it. Never change who you are to please others. Take others affection for you in stride even if it's hard for you to return it.