IMPORTANT: Statewide Bra-Mandate Update from Your Local School District

Bras become a thing of the past in a school near you

Dear Families,

I hope this email finds you healthy and rested. I also hope you each enjoyed winter break. Recently, our state’s Governor announced that the statewide bra mandate will be lifted beginning on Wednesday, March 2nd. On Friday the Centers for Nipple Control and Sagging Prevention announced that bras are now optional in school — and on buses!

As such:

• As of Wednesday, March 2, 2022, the State Bra Mandate requiring the wearing of bras in public schools will be lifted making the wearing of bras optional. The Governor remarked that this decision was based on recent information from the Center for Nipple Control, which has provided us with a county-by-county saggy boob and nipple-visibility score, indicating the impact of visible nipples on poor schoolboys who can’t learn because they get easily distracted by female body parts. Because it is still sweater season, our county is in the “low” impact rating classification.

• The Governor stated that lifting the bra mandate does not and will not keep any student from choosing to wear a bra while at school should they feel more comfortable doing so. As of Wednesday, wearing a bra is a decision made by students and their adult, if their adult has yet to understand the concepts of bodily autonomy and the patriarchy. Every decision, whether it’s braless or a full-on Victoria’s Secret padded pushup, will be supported by all community members, including the distracted boys.

• As we all know, nipples continue to be a distraction in our county, state, country, and around the world. When the Governor was asked yesterday about the future of bras state-wide, she indicated that should nipples distract students from learning and the community at large from undertaking simple tasks such as swimming, working out at the gym, eating breakfast at a diner, or walking across the street, she plans to work with Hanes and Third Love to guide future bra-related decisions.

The situation continues to evolve. The state is putting together a guidance document for the bra-optional school environment. I will share that information as soon as I receive it.

Thank you for coming together as a community and taking the bra mandate seriously. We know for some of you that this news will have a grave impact on your sons or others who aren’t able to accept that nipples are a part of the body and they can’t be tucked in when they make some feel uncomfortable or cause issues for someone who suffers from an Oedipus Complex. For others, March 2nd brings hope for the future and is a celebration of the freedom we appreciate as citizens of the United States of America.

Sincerely,

Your School Leadership