An Interview with My Spouse

In honor of our 16th wedding anniversary, I sat down with Andy to reflect on nearly two decades of partnership. On a sunny weekend afternoon, and we soaked up a warm fall day on our deck, with cars passing by, roosters crowing and birds chirping. For 20 minutes, we had an uninterrupted conversation about how we met, what it's like to be a parent, and the work involved with marriage. We covered our thoughts on each other in graduate school, the fateful night at the bar when he used the excuse of inspecting my apartment for the student housing list as his way to hook up, the life-changing experience of parenting, and his guess as to why we are still together.

While originally resistant to the idea, I think Andy enjoyed the moment of reflection as much as I did, and I encourage others to try this activity. The following is a transcription of the conversation, which unfortunately doesn't quite capture the inflection and warmth noted in the audio, but is still filled with simple honesty, compassion and a lot of laughing.

On the Early Days

Melissa: My first question for you, going back to the early days. What did you think when you met me during interview weekend for the Cooperstown Graduate Program?

Andrew: We've talked about this.

Melissa: Right, but not on the record.

Andrew: (Laughs). Whatever the activity was that you introduce yourself, you said, "Blah, Blah, Blah. I have a tattoo." (Laughs). That's pretty much, and um, I thought, "Well, she's not getting in."

Melissa: Apparently you didn't know my record of academic excellence.

Andrew: Well, I mean you went to an all women's college.

Melissa: And, what are your thoughts on that?

Andrew: (Laughs)

Melissa: What do you think it means to go to an all women's college?

Andrew: It's a very good academic institution.

Melissa: I believe it is ranked higher than Creighton but we should check that out.

Andrew: (Laughs) I think Creighton is a very strong academic institution, much like Mount Holyoke. But, yeah, interview weekend, you made it.

Melissa: Umm, yah. Did you ever put my apartment on the housing list, like you said you were going to that night? When you came over? Did it ever make it on there? (Laughs)

Andrew: (Laughs) Well, I don't think it did, because it never opened up, plus there were a lot of problems with your apartment. The toilet almost fell through the floor, it had lots of plumbing issues.

Melissa: That is true. Did you know I had a journal, even back then?

Andrew: Oh, yes. Definitely, that was one of your mistakes in life.

Melissa: Did you know I dedicated a page to you?

Andrew: At one point you gave me a copy of stuff you wrote.

Melissa: Did you know one entry was titled the Andy Marietta Bitch Page?

Andrew: I know, and I was surprised because I was such a nice and easy going person, so I don't know why you would ever have such a page. Not a good activity, unless you hide it very well.

Melissa: (Laughs) Yes, you should always hide your journal.

Andrew: Or lock it up.

Melissa: So, I don't think you liked me when you met me and I really didn't like you. When did you start to like me?

Andrew: You were kinda... I don't remember if I didn't like you.

Melissa: I didn't like you.

Andrew: As with many things in life, I was indifferent. (Laughs). I don't remember thinking I disliked you. There are people I don't like and I didn't put you in that category.

Melissa: Do people generally propose to people they are indifferent about liking?

Andrew: I thought you meant in the beginning.

Melissa: Where was the shift from indifference to proposing?

Andrew: Wait, we were together and you didn't like me?

Melissa: I still don't like you.

Andrew: That's very enlightening to me.

Melissa: (Laughs) I still don't like you.

Andrew: Well, we moved in together.

Melissa: You don't just move in with somebody!

Andrew: I just starting liking you.

Melissa: But, why did you like me?

Andrew: I don't know. Your bossiness? You know. I mean, you were very helpful?

Melissa: Like when you had me wrap your (recent) ex-girlfriend's sister's Christmas presents? That was very helpful.

Andrew: Why was that a big deal? No, you helped me with a Halloween program at the Farmers' Museum.

Melissa: I did that because I was committed to my field. Or because I wanted to sleep with you afterwards.

Andrew: I think like many things, we had lots in common and we were driven people.

Melissa: (Laughs) Is it disappointing that we aren't anymore?

Andrew: I'm driven. I just put up lots of Halloween decorations. My goals are different these days.

On Parenting

Melissa: So, what are your thoughts on being a parent?

Andrew: I think the thoughts are, I'm pretty sure I'm not doing it right. That's number one, and (Laughs) it's too late to start over, that's number two. (Laughs)

Melissa: (Laughs). I think that every day, like, oh shit, I screwed up.

Andrew: Yes, like dammit, I can't fix it because it is already broken.

Melissa: It's a train wreck.

Andrew: I think I feel like, how is this going to turn out? It's a big question mark every single day. It's not negative. I don't want to every make it seem like it's a bad thing. I'm not sure we should be trusted with children. (Laughs)

Melissa: (Laughs)

Andrew: The best thing for us is that our children are fairly self-sufficient now. (Laughs) They are fully functional.

Melissa: What do you think about having a kid with a disability?

Andrew: I don't think about it too much. I think about the small things that illustrate the difference between her and other kids.

Melissa: Are you sad?

Andrew: I was never sad. You never lost something because you don't know how things could have been different. It is what it is.

Melissa: I hate that saying.

Andrew: There was no solution to it. She is a fully capable kid and makes her own decisions and she is picking the things she wants to do. There is nothing in my mind that I think, "Oh if she didn't have her disability, she could have done this." I said, it's the small things, like wiping her butt.

Melissa: I really wish she'd wipe her butt. Do you think it is weird to have daughters? Do you think it would have been different if you had a son?

Andrew: I think it would have been different if I had a son. Girls are different than boys. I treat them like boys. (Laughs) I am hard on them because of my expectations and I want them to have good values and be motivated. I'm not like, hey let's hug it out.

Melissa: Have you learned about the multi-layers and complexities of women?

Andrew: Oh, more than I ever wanted to. There's a lot of things that I wish were still mysteries.

Melissa: What is your best memory of our relationship so far?

Andrew: Isn't it the birth of our children?

Melissa: I guess. They're alright.

Andrew: The birth of our children was a truly life changing event. Not just the birth but the changes, what it meant. Everything changes. Good or bad, Caroline or Charlotte, that's the biggest memory. (Pauses) It's what you remember. Not all the other stuff.

Melissa: Remember them coming out of my body?

Andrew: That in itself was traumatic. (Laughs) Way too much involvement.

Melissa: Yep. Get down there. Pull 'em out.

Andrew: The first one was involved but the second one went so quick. She basically fell out so that worked out and I was like, thank God.

Melissa: Yep. Yep. She just fell right out.

Andrew: Pretty much.

Melissa: That's what my body said. She fell right out.

Andrew: I don't know why it was so hard.

Melissa: What are you checking there on your phone?

Andrew: My fantasy team. Are we done?

Melissa: No.

On the Hard Stuff

Melissa: What is hard about being married to me?

Andrew: You are a little emotional and you are a little rocky. It's like a Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing.

Melissa: Did you know there's a diagnosis for that? (Laughs)

Andrew: (Laughs) It's the ups and downs. For me, how many times do I get mad?

Melissa: Not any more. You used to be a diva. Remember when you got out of the car at my parents' house and walked around in the snow? Or when you got mad because you said I only liked you for your good looks, or when you said I could never wear a swimsuit in front of the (Hall of Fame) interns?

Andrew: (Laughs) You can only wear professional attire.

Melissa: Who wears a swimsuit to work? (Laughs) That is weird. You used to get all hot and angry. One last question. What is your advice on a successful marriage? Why do some people stay together and some people don't?

(Someone shouts inaudibly) I don't think they liked our giant Biden sign.

Andrew: Maybe. Well, it's like staying connected.

Melissa: Like, emotionally? (Laughs)

Andrew: (Laughs) No. You call it what you call it and I'll call it what I call it. Too many people develop the things they want to do and two people develop their own lives and things can fall apart. (Pause) I don't think you ever have total agreement about where you are going what you want to do, but you have to be willing to talk about it, and be willing to adapt, and you can't hold grudges and be mad all of the time. You definitely were struggling with that.

Melissa: (Laughs) Ok. Just me? In general?

Andrew: You weren't rolling with the punches.

Melissa: (Pause) Well, you had some pretty shitty punches. I think it's a respect thing.

Andrew: That's true.

Melissa: People don't believe in them (their spouse) anymore and see them for their potential. We do, right? We respect each other as professionals and community members and parents.

Andrew: I agree. You have to give each other some flexibility. People are never going to be perfect. There's always going to things that the other person does that are going to be annoying. (Laughs)

Melissa: Let me get out my scroll. What about yours?

Andrew: I don't have one. I'm indifferent, remember?

Melissa: What? There is nothing I do that annoys you? What about my car?

Andrew: Your car is so dirty.

Melissa: I can't help it!

Andrew: Yes, you can help it.

Melissa: Have you looked in your office?

Andrew: I'm working on it.

Melissa: Me, too. I just removed a sparkling water can from my car. Well, thank you for your time.

Andrew: Yep. I have to order the pizza now.