Foolproof Home School Schedule

These are unprecedented times. A month ago, we may have had a fleeting thought that this might happen but we still thought it would never happen to us. Well, now it is. We have moved from life as usual to a world of social distancing and operating in a virtual world. Friday afternoon was pivotal as so many of us received messages that K-12 schools were shutting down for weeks, or indefinitely. Everybody is now facing the grim reality that we are becoming home schools.

This is hard but it can also be fun! I’ve seen a ton of good advice online, but here is a really awesome schedule I’ve come up with that you may want to follow:

*Kids wake up at 5 b/c that’s what kids do when there’s no school. *From 5-8 you ignore them while they eat ice cream and spill orange juice. *At 8 you lock them in the shed in the back yard with some juice pouches, Pringle’s and an iPad. You tell them they’d better complete at least 16 math and ELA worksheets by your return or NO TOILET PAPER use for 24 hours.

*From 8-4 you try to figure out how to complete your entire job online, which should be easy because you pretty much live your whole social life on line, but turns out doing actual work online is a lot harder than watching Netflix. You wash your hands until they bleed and stand six feet away from your colleagues and say shit like, we got this! even though you know you don’t got anything. You have no idea what’s going on. You refresh the CDC website every 5 seconds. *At 4 you let the kids out of the shed. Only 15 worksheets done? Too bad for the kid and so good for you because you’ll need that extra TP for your destroyed post-kids pelvic floor. *At 430 you do your daily calisthenics by separating the kids who are in a slapping fight. Everyone gets some strength training in slamming their doors. *At 5 it’s craft time! The kids decorate their own construction paper strand of corona virus (really showing off their creativity with pipe cleaners and glitter). *At 503 it’s “Clean up! Clean up! Everybody clean up!” time. You vacuum up 37 pounds of glitter and the kids wash their hands while singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall. *At 545 the kids have finished washing their hands, so it’s Clorox wipe time!! Whoever finishes their container first gets a bottle of travel size hand sanitizer to sell on amazon for $500. *At 630 it’s time for dinner. It’s Ramen, stewed tomatoes and yellow Gatorade because, “that’s all that was left at the goddamn grocery store, so shut your mouth and eat it!” *At 7 it’s the “last chance to get that 16th worksheet done so you can wipe your ass tomorrow!” time. *At 730 it’s bath, bed and mommy’s martini time. After tooth brushing, you take some Benadryl and the kids take their vitamins. You all get cozy in bed and read People magazines, which you’ve added number stickers to the top right of the cover so the kids think they’re leveled readers their teacher assigned. “Look, little Susie! Mrs. So and So will be so pleased to hear that you finished the Sexiest Man Alive Issue!” *It’s lights out by 9. At least for you. You cry yourself to sleep. The kids eat Girl Scout cookies and binge Disney ‘til midnight. And don’t forget! Kids thrive on a schedule and benefit from predictability and repetition so do this exact same thing tomorrow.

Good luck.