How to Braid Your Tween Daughter's Hair After A Shower

1. Gather your supplies; brush and/or comb, coconut oil, argan oil spray, and scrunchies. Elastic bands won't do. Only scrunchies. Don't forget your sense of humor, your unconditional love for your child, and a great deal of patience. A word about pride. It was important a long time ago, but not here and not now. Tuck your pride in a safe place; maybe in the fireproof lock box under the kitchen sink, with your old wedding photo negatives.

2. If the hair is still wet, proceed with caution. Brushing wet hair can lead to major, irreparable damage and take away its shine. Unfortunately, so does brushing dry hair, which leads to snapping and fly-aways. If you start with very dry hair, there won't be a dry eye in the room when you are done. If you ever finish. Minimize the pain for her- and you- and start damp.

3. Using your hands, split the hair into three sections, placing the right and left sections over each shoulder.

4. Place a dab of coconut oil on your fingertips and gently rub near the ears and the ends. Spray argan oil generously through the hair, trying to avoid spraying it in her face, her eyes, or on her glasses. If you do, try apologizing but it doesn't matter; it is too late. You may want to have tissues on hand to wipe the glasses and to dab the tears from your eyes after she screams that you are the worst mother on the planet.

5. Avoid the section that looks the worst and start with the easiest first. You can do this with any responsibility related to your kids. For example, ask her to set the table for dinner before addressing what you read on her Messenger chat.

6. Back to that one section. Split it into two or three parts.

7. Focusing on one section at at time, start from the crown of the head, moving the brush slowly downward, gently removing the comb if it catches on any tangles. If the tangles are a nest, try spraying argan oil or rubbing coconut oil on the nest. Use your fingers to quickly rip the hairs apart. You risk her bursting in outrage, but this must be done. This must be done, or you have to get scissors, and scissor use will be accompanied by 24 hours of doors slammed, cold death stares, and accusations about your inability to parent.

8. When you have completed each sub section, start at the crown again, brushing from crown to tips. If you can move the brush through the strands without getting stuck in a tangle, begin a new section. Don't forget to breathe. Whatever you do, do not look over her shoulder and make any comments about the YouTube video she is watching of some fashionably dressed blond family that the skinny, perfect, blond mom will later post to her parenting blog that gets 10k hits daily.

9. Are you still brushing? When the entire section is complete, twist loosely and leave it against the shoulder or back.

10. Continue this process of brushing sections from crown to tips until you can successfully brush her entire head. Do not lose your focus. Do not check your phone. Do not try to engage in conversation, or ask, "So, what's new?" This is not the time for casual conversation or an attempt to learn anything about her daily activities or innermost thoughts.

11. Separate the hair in two sections, trying to divide evenly. This can be done with fingers or a brush.

12. Next, divide the section evenly into three. Holding the right piece in your right hand, cross it over the center piece, moving the center piece to the right and the right to the middle.

13. Take the left piece in your left hand and cross if over the center piece. Continue this pattern, alternating between bringing the right and left section of hair to the center. Each cross over should not be too loose or too tight. It must be just right. Failure to produce a perfect braid will result in declarations of your incompetence and your hard work will be unraveled.

14. When you are an inch from the bottom, secure with a scrunchie. Can't find the scrunchies? Look under your butt. They're hiding there with the scotch tape you lost last year when wrapping Christmas presents. Repeat the braiding on the other side. Look under your butt for the scrunchie. Tie. If it is your day, she will find your work acceptable and will not insist you re-do. If today is your day, and you feel like a winner, and before she darts away, give a little peck on the nape of her neck, and whisper that you love her. Her entire life flashes before you, chubby arms and late night feedings with her goldfish-sized fist wrapped around your pinkie; your eyes meeting hers when she stepped on the kindergarten school bus, with a backpack hanging to the back of her knees; falling asleep in her toddler bed while reading the same book for the 50th time and waking up with her perfect smelling sweat stuck to your own skin. The way your heart plummeted to your stomach, and catapulted out of your throat, the last time she replied, "I love you, too."

15. Shout, "You're welcome!" as you pick up the towel she left on the floor. Close your eyes and store this moment in your memory cloud, knowing that, someday, this will be one more task for which she will no longer need you.