My 2021 Resolution

On January 1, 2020 I began the Keto diet. Weight gain caused by a combination of an injury-induced retirement from running, and the joys of age and hormones, compelled me to join the weight-loss revolution for the first time ever. in an effort to shed the twenty-five pounds I'd gained in the last two years. For thirty days I abstained from alcohol, refrained from almost every food I love, prepared all of my meals ahead of time, and used an app to track everything I ate. I thought about the diet almost all day every day because I was in withdrawal from sugar and carbs and also I felt ill from an effect called the "keto flu".

I wasn't happy with my reason for dieting but I was enthused about setting a goal and for pushing myself to do something hard. I looked forward to the feeling of a flatter tummy and the victory of accomplishment. Day after day, I ate bacon, salmon, almonds and eggs, occasionally sinking my teeth into an avocado or a sliver of dark chocolate. I followed every keto Instagram page, reading recipes and success stories. Eventually my cravings for carbs slowly and gently decreased and I assuredly stayed the course, feeling confident that the pay off at month's end was in reach.

I stepped on the scale at the end of January and it hadn't budged. While disappointed and a little embarrassed, I promised I'd get back on track after my winter break family vacation. When that train left the track, it never came back.

At first, I blamed it on the pandemic and my daughter's new interest in making baked goods and bread, all washed down with a nightly glass of quarantine wine. As the months passed and I adapted to life in the time of COVID, I still had little interest in using food as a tool for self-improvement.

As a matter of fact, I realized that I am no longer interested in self-improvement at all.

I let myself go.

I am driven by achievement and live my life chasing A+'s, blue ribbons and gold stars. I need to be described by others as the upside of the "ests"; smartest, fittest, brightest, skinniest, hardest working, funniest. I won't stop until I prove right all the people who gifted me a copy of Oh, the Places You'll Go! for graduation. I can achieve whatever I set my mind to, using grit, resilience and determination. I don't believe in barriers. I am a disruptor, an innovator, a strategist, and a leader. I started running and then I started running faster. I started working and then I worked my way up to director. I won't stop until I fly over the bar and then I see the next bar before my back hits the mat.

The keto diet experiment forced me to question one of my primary guiding principles: return on investment. ROI is a central framework in all that I do. Only put effort into those tasks which will produce maximum output. Stop doing what doesn't give you as much back as you put in. Don't waste your energy on tasks that don't energize you. I put a lot of energy into the diet and I didn't gain any benefits from the investment. The diet was not the first time ROI has fucked with me. I can no longer count the number of times I was wrong by assuming a specific outcome as a result of me doing just what I should, pushing the boulder up the mountain, sweating and crying.

If I do __________________ then __________________. Right?

Nope. Not so much.

It must be because I didn't do it right the first time. Maybe I need to make some tweaks. I obviously didn't lose weight on the Keto diet because I wasn't following the diet properly. I didn't get that article published because I need to focus more on editing. I'll get considered for a promotion if I can follow through on the tips and tricks I learn about in those leadership podcasts. So I make the tweaks, modify my food intake, spend more time editing, and implement the managerial tips and tricks.

If I do _________________ better, faster, smarter then ___________________. Right?

Strike two.

I feel resentful and frustrated when others get the ROI payoff. A friend, who hasn't exercised in five years, walks one mile three times a week, cuts down on bread, and loses 12 pounds. I come across a poorly written mom blog published by Scary Mommy. I experience a second staffing reduction in five years, left without a team to lead, feeling the disruption happening to me more than me controlling the disruption.

I have come to several conclusions. I will never achieve anything by being resentful. I do not know the stories behind successes that are not my own. I also can't follow in any one else's footsteps and expect the exact same results.

And, I still believe in ROI. I have so much energy to share with the universe. Maybe it's not about my ability to get strong returns on my investments, maybe it's about my investment decisions.

If I spend less time focusing on my weight, then I will be happier with my self image.

If I continue to enjoy the process of writing, I will find peace in sharing something I love with others.

If I make a difference through my work, I have achieved success.

In this new year, as I set my intentions for the months ahead, I will continue to let myself go. I will not "est" myself.

Old habits die hard, hence the reason for hyped up resolutions. I still feel compelled to set a resolution for 21.

Do more bird watching.