On Being Ungrateful

If you’ve read my last few blogs you know it’s no secret that I am having some struggles of the mind. They’re not new struggles by any means but, for some reason at this particular moment in time, they’ve got the upper hand on me. As an extrovert, who manages all things in life by talking to other people, I’ve been talking to people about how they manage their mental health. It has been both heartening and disheartening to learn that so many people with whom I interact with on a daily basis, or in my life network, have fought a similar battle to my own.

It’s odd how misery loves company and just knowing that you’re not alone when you’re dealing with something can bring comfort to you. I find that just sharing our stories is the support that I need. Sometimes it’s just checking in with a text message that has helped me on hard days.

There are also some lucky people out there who haven’t struggled with mental health issues and they can’t necessarily understand what I’m going through, but they can listen and empathize. However I often find they are the ones who have advice for me. Some of the advice I have been getting lately is about managing my current lifestyle. I know that theses suggestions are pretty common in the mental health world. I am open to ideas and the universe has been delivering them. Have I considered changing my diet, have I considered supplements, have I tried acupuncture or massage, have I tried a therapist, have I tried medication? I am receptive to many of these suggestions and less receptive to others. Perhaps, it has been suggested to me, that I download one of those apps and meditate for five minutes every morning. Would I manage my stress better if I was more mindful? Everybody knows that I’m a writer so the idea of a journal has been suggested to me. All ideas worth considering.

Like I said, I am receptive to some of these ideas and others I am less receptive to. Here’s why. When I’m in what I like to call my "box", small changes feel like mountains. Making simple changes stresses me out even more and then I shy away from them. I like the idea of changing my diet but that also feels like a lot of work and, anyone who has read this blog before knows that it would be really hard for me to have a different diet from my family who have their own ideas about what we should be putting into our bodies for food. Medication is controversial. One minute someone will tell me that it’s a Band-Aid for not dealing with reality and the next minute someone will tell me that it changed their life for the better. My question is, will it make me feel like Alice when she’s 10 feet tall? I like the idea of meditation the most because I have always enjoyed yoga but I think the idea of incorporating mindfulness and meditation into your life goes far, far five minutes every morning.

It is a philosophical shift of the mind and that’s where the anxiety comes in. I have this dream of retreating, you know all eat, pray, love-like, and coming back a month later being at peace with the world. Of course, in reality I can’t do that and so some days I have a choice at 5 AM for five minutes of meditation or five minutes of folding laundry. Unfortunately, you can guess which one wins. Someone suggested that I free write when my symptoms are the most severe and I have felt that to be an excellent exercise. In those moments I just right whatever comes to my mind and then I have slipped those thoughts into a folder and I haven’t looked back at them and I’m not sure I ever will.

Then there's this one suggestion I get hung up on. Perhaps my issue is that I’m not grateful enough. Perhaps I need to change my perspective on life. I have been told that I’m negative and that this negativity is what drives my stress , depression and anxiety. Maybe if I just started writing a list of things that I’m grateful for I would feel less depressed or anxious. I understand that mental health is, of course, in the mind and that our minds are powerful and we have the opportunity to change the hard wiring in our minds to truly shift the way we think about things and our perspectives in the world. But there is just something about a gratitude journal that hits me like nails on a chalkboard. It honestly infuriates me when I share with someone that I’m struggling with my mental health and they suggest I make a list of things that are happy in my life. I’m angry that the person talking to me assumes that I’m ungrateful and that is the reason why I feel depressed or anxious.

I wonder if they are suggesting that I feel this way because I am privileged. I wonder if they think I wake up in the morning feeling anxious because I’m selfish. Is the reason I sometimes feel lonely and isolated, despite being in a crowded room of people, because I’m not thankful for my life? Do I sometimes find it hard to breathe because I don’t have enough gratitude for friends, family, health, and the creature comfort surrounding me? Because, here’s the deal, I don't feel coinciding with feelings of anxiety or depression are the feelings of gratefulness and thanks for the life I have. I am grateful for the beautiful place I live, the wonderful home I have built with Andy, the support of my family and friends, my professional success, and my children. I am often overcome with love and gratitude for these things. But, I have struggled with my mental health my entire life. I recognize it now when I think back on my childhood and I was challenged way before I ever had the maturity to be grateful for the things around me.

So, feel free to give me ideas. I'm grateful for all of them. Well, almost all of them.