The Time My Kid Took Off Her Mask at Target

You may see me show up in your social media feeds soon.

I had to exchange a pair of running shoes yesterday, and because we are in phase four, and there’s not much else to do, the entire family, Andy, Caroline and Charlotte, joined me. The fam sat patiently in the car during my shoe exchange and, after getting my new kicks, we decided to stop by Target to pick up a few odds and ends. Throughout quarantine, Caroline and Charlotte have been earning money and their pockets were burning. They both thought carefully about what to buy, giving me a quiet satisfaction that, at 9 and 13, they are beginning to understand budgeting and the cost of the objects of their desire. Charlotte was quick to make her selections, a weird stuffed animal thing in a plastic box shaped like a melting popsicle, sharpies for drawing class, and stickers.

As usual, Caroline cemented herself in the office supply aisle, considering which was the perfect pack of mechanical pencils. My 13 year old is is a collector, having accumulated over 50 notebooks and a dozen or more water bottles. Mechanical pencils are a newer passion and she requests them daily. She is so passionate about her collectibles that she often gets stuck, and perseverates about buying more of whatever item is on her mind. We can be walking the dog or eating dinner, brushing our teeth before bed, or watching a movie and she will often talk about only one topic that she can’t unstick herself from thinking about. Right now, it is pencils.“Mom, will you buy me mechanical pencils? Can we go to the store to buy them? Can you order them on Amazon? Can you do it now?”

I want to make my kids happy and pencils, notebooks and water bottles are all very useful, worthwhile purchases, but I’m not buying them daily and nobody needs 50 of anything. Having her own money helps Caroline understand that we can buy what we’d like with money we’ve earned. It also helps her practice strengthening her impulse control, gain a sense of delayed gratification, and improve her math skills. As a kiddo with a developmental delay, these are all really critical milestones that require daily attention and continue to be a work in progress. Sometimes, Caroline's behavior is like that of a small child, which is frustrating to all of us in her family because we have expectations for the behavior and actions of children as they age. Life would sure be easier if Caroline had the competencies and maturity of other 13 year old girls, but she doesn't so we continue to work on her goals knowing that there are going to be lots of bumps in the road.

While she was still hovering the pencils, I stood at the end of the aisle and gave Caroline a five minute warning, a technique we use often to help her transition between activities. Ready to check out, Charlotte had already pulled out her purse to count her cash. We danced a bit between aisles in an attempt to keep 6 feet of distance between us and the other shoppers. I then prompted Caroline with a one minute countdown and she reluctantly turned toward me with a small pack of mechanical pencils in her hand. Following a protocol we established with her behavior specialist, I praised her for making a choice and transitioning without any issues.

“All set, buddy?” I asked her, sensing her frustration at being pushed to make a decision not at her own pace.

“Yeah. I guess so. I’ll just get these today.” I could tell she was internally processing all the things we’ve been working on teaching her and I was proud. Just a few years ago, we weren't able to leave a Target without her tantrumming over being told no to a purchase request. Now, she can bring her own money, prioritize her purchases, and leave happy with her decision.

Andy and I checked out first, spending too much money on not very much, like underwear and shampoo, but also scoring a few containers of that amazing Target trail mix with chocolate. Charlotte was next, gathering up her bags, excitedly chattering to no one in particular. I pumped sanitizer onto her hands as she stepped away from the checkout area. Finally, Caroline placed her pack of pencils on the conveyor belt. With a little prompting from me, she methodically and cautiously pulled a five and a one from her wallet, took the return change from the cashier, and gathered her small bag with a satisfied smile. I pumped sanitizer onto her hands, thanked the cashier and moved toward the exit.

By now, Andy and Charlotte were already out the door. I walked slightly ahead of Caroline, who moves at her own, slower pace. My mind was on dinner plans and getting home before anything frozen thawed on this hot summer day. I stopped to look both ways before stepping off of the sidewalk and heard someone shouting. A young woman in jogging pants, a crop top and a bun had just passed me and Caroline. She made eye contact with me and I’d tried to eye smile at her, as I’m now practicing since nobody can see my mouth behind my mask. Now, I realized she was shouting at me. Or rather at Caroline. "Put on your mask! What’s wrong with you!” I turned toward the woman as her words lashed in our direction and echoed across the parking lot. In that moment, I noticed Caroline had taken off her mask as soon as we’d exited the store. In a bit of shock, I quickly called back in defense, “She just took it off!” By now, a few passersby had stopped to watch the interaction. The young woman, two dozen paces from us, stood firm, her feet planted in a power stance, her arms waving, and her eyes blazing above her mask. “There’s a pandemic happening! Put on a mask! What is wrong with people!? Put on a mask!”

Disinterested in escalating the situation and concerned for Caroline, I grabbed Caroline’s hand, put my head down, and walked swiftly toward the car, the woman still standing at the door to the store. My face, behind my mask, was hot and turning red. I was so embarrassed. As we got in the car, Caroline immediately apologized. I was so flustered about what happened that I didn’t notice that I’d not removed my own mask until we were 10 minutes down the road. I asked Andy if he had seen what happened and he said he had and agreed that we did the right thing by walking away. Shaken up, I continued to replay the situation, turning to Caroline in the backseat, telling her that she has to wear her mask until we get to the car. She started crying. Andy told me to shake it off and reminded me that people are afraid and on edge and not to take it personally.

I couldn't help taking it personally though, and I have not been able to shake it off. Since March, I have done my best to be a good citizen. We barely left the house for three months, we wear a mask, we social distance. I even spent a few weeks sanitizing our groceries. We keep hand sanitizer in the car. We have our stash of masks in the mudroom for quick access. Asking if the kids have their masks is now as routine as reminding them to go to the bathroom before we leave. I'm frustrated when I see people in public not wearing as mask or wearing it tucked under their nose. I have watched, appalled, at videos of fights in stores, shoppers harassing and threatening employees risking their lives so we can all buy daily necessities. I have seen the viral photos of people caught unmasked, the social posters hoping that the public outing will shame the individual into masking up in the future.

As we drove home, I wondered if that woman had taken a photo of us. The incident caught me so off guard that I couldn't recall if she had her device in hand. Were Caroline and I about to go viral? Would the people of upstate NY see me as just another angry Karen, pushing her privileged agenda over the safety of others?

Catching bad behavior, and illegal actions, on our phones has led to major movements and change in our country. We have all been aware of the horrific events taking place for decades, but a 30 second clip of these horrendous actions can lead to accountability and justice. Acts of hate can no longer be hidden behind systematic oppression. This is hard but it is good and our phones are now a tool toward progress.

To the woman I encountered yesterday at Target, I am sorry and I apologize for not doing my job as a parent by ensuring my child followed masking protocol. I should have been walking alongside her and caught her unmasking. I know you are upset and scared and maybe someone you know or love has been a victim of COVID and all you wanted to do was go to Target and buy underwear and trail mix without worrying you'd be infected because of some stupid Karen and her kid. We learned our lesson and, next time we go out, we will do better.

If I had the chance to meet her, and sit down and talk with her, I would share Caroline's story with her and tell her how proud we are to have her as our daughter and watch her overcome things, like her ability to wear a mask despite her sensory challenges. I would apologize. If she were still listening, I'd challenge her. I'd ask her if she had ever been shamed as a child when she made a mistake and I'd ask her how she felt in that moment. I'd ask if it changed her behavior and I'd ask her if she carried that shame long after it took place, having forgotten what action precipitated the shaming, but not the feeling of being told you are less than.

It was a teachable moment for me. It reminded me that our actions speak loudly and make a lasting impact, for better and worse.