Babies and the Body Landscape

I have had two thoughts every day since October 20, 2006. The first is that my back hurts.

All women have some sort of understanding that having a child will "ruin" their body, however the emphasis is on the external, visual, and in my opinion, superficial changes. Before getting pregnant, I knew that having kids would make me "fat" with saggy breasts and I was prepared to look in the mirror and see a different version of myself postpartum. What I wasn't prepared for were the changes that would take place inside my body, which I know, is stupid because being pregnant is all about what's happening inside your body. Producing a kid turns a woman into a human incubator and growing a body takes a toll on the body building it.

When I was pregnant with Caro, my body changed in every way possible. On the outside, my hair thickened and it was the last time I've been able to grow it past my shoulders. My skin was soft and glowy. My cheeks plumped as much as my belly. I had a deep and hearty laugh. Internally, this tightly wound person loosened up. Biochemically and structurally, things were shifting in my body to accommodate Baby C. My ligaments and tendons took a chill pill hormonal rush while my pelvis tilted forward. My back overcompensated, my joints destabilized and I started to experience pain in my lower back as well as around my hips. Near the end of the pregnancy, I looked forward to meeting Caro and saying good bye to all the extra weight on my bones and joints.

Everyone and their mother, (ha ha) knows that giving birth hurts. The good news is that it's like going on a bear hunt: you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you gotta go through it. When it is all said and done, you will hold the person you love the most in your arms and the pain will come to an end. Except it doesn't.

The fact that my back has hurt every day for 12 and a half years actually feels like a win for me because I have heard some scary birth stories and narratives of birth scarring and healing that are much more painful and life altering than chronic back tension. Women experience pelvic floor pain and urinary incontinence, perineum tears, swelling, breast engorgement, hemorrhoids, constipation, and more, not to mention healing an incision after a c-section or episiotomy, or migraines after an epidural.

Any of the issues I experienced have, fortunately, gone away, except the dull ache I feel in my back almost every minute of every day and whenever I roll over in bed at night. Yoga and stretching help. Working on my core helps. Yet, I could do more of all of the above, but I don't make the time and I really just want to be rubbed there all day, every day. At night, when things aren't too hectic, I place a warm compress into the back of pants and allow the heat to ease the tension that has built up there all day. Each morning in the shower, I crank the heat, bend forward and let water pelt my lower back until my hands can slide down my legs and closer to my toes. I feel like the Tin Man if I have to walk or stand for an extended period of time. My tight lower back has either worsened because of, or in tandem with, many other injuries over the years, exacerbated by long-distance running and my mobility challenges both exhaust me and sadden me because I no longer remember what it feels like not to have back pain and I miss the spinal mobility of my youth.

Cart wheels! Back bends! Touching my toes! These are all moves I traded when I got pregnant with Caroline and I've accepted their loss as much as I have embraced the weird belly pouch, big butt and saggy boobs that are now with me for the rest of my years on the planet.

Having kids doesn't ruin your body but it sure alters its landscape. Mountains can't speak but if they could, they'd say creating a new range hurt their back pretty bad.

Stay tuned for my next post on my second daily thought...coming soon!